"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me: 'Quit going to those places.'"

- Henny Youngman

Some people have patience issues. Take Hooton Roozrokh. Nope. Hooton Roozrokh is not dialogue from the cartoon dog, "Scooby Doo." Hoot's the doctor accused of administering a 12-pound Mickey Finn and killing a patient so he could harvest the chap's organs.

Ruh-oh.

Worse, Hoot worked for Kaiser-Permanente in their crack Organ Harvesting Division. Gives you a whole new appreciation for the "permanent" buried in "Permanente," doesn't it?

In Santa Enchirito's sister city of San Luis Nabisco in central California (sometimes mistakenly referred to as San Luis Obispo) police are investigating Dr. Hooton "Mwa ha ha ha ha" Roozrokh on suspicion of administering a powerful painkiller into his patient's IV.

In medical terms, this is called a DNI, or Dirt Nap Inducer.

Ruben Navarro, a 25-year-old patient with Kaiser, was on life support. It was the hospital's diagnosis that he would never come out of a coma and was near death. His family agreed to let his organs be harvested.

It's me, I know. But I always wince when I see the word, "harvested" used with "human organs."

Harvest is such a merry word. I think of rosy cheeked farmers loading pumpkins onto wooden wagons in the crisp fall air, not plopping human stew into stainless bowls.

Anyway. Besides Hoot, another doctor, Arturo Martinez, is likewise being investigated on this bothersome technicality that even if someone is on death's door, one should at least go outside, have a smoke, take a walk on the nearby beautiful Pacific coast and ponder the ramifications of whacking the bothersome patient over the head with a metaphorical giant cartoon wooden mallet and reaching in up past your elbow to pluck out his still warm moist clockworks.

Which, I believe, are going for about $7.99 a pound on the black market.

For one thing, OHD's (organ harvesting doctors) aren't even supposed to be in the same county as a potential organ donor, let alone in the operating room.

According to various reports in The Fresno Bee, San Francisco Chronicle and the San Jose Mercury News, Dr. Roozrokh was in the operating room and ordering that T-Rex melting drugs be administered to Navarro. Surprise, surprise, instead of dying within minutes, the rotter lasted until the next morn. His organs were useless. Two nurses in the operating room made a report to their superiors.

Poor Kaiser.

Remember a few years ago? They took that big PR hit when one of their bean counters instructed the telephone operators to screen emergency calls. Like with all medical insurance providers and plans, it's a business. And sick people can cut into profits. Receptionists were caught telling people who were calling in with medical emergencies to basically take a more positive outlook on life or call back when they were feeling better.

Maybe Kaiser, recipient of so many bad PR hits for their sometimes cut-rate image, can turn this into a positive.

I can see their PR department acquiring the rights to the British movie, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

I just love that scene during the Dark Ages when the Death Wagon is being wheeled through a plague-ridden village. The vendor has it stacked with muddy bodies. Clanging a bell, he calls out: "Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

A "customer" offers a body who points out: "I'm not dead" and further protests, in a thick Cockney accent: "I'm getting better!" and, "I don't want to go on the cart!" The victim is chided: "Oh don't be such a baby!"

The death wagon attendant points out he can't take the guy. "It's against regulations." But capitalism wins out. The cart master takes the bribe, bonks the guy on the head and throws him with the other bodies.

Kaiser could air the scene and end it with a plucky and sexy nurse winking at the camera and promising: "We're the NEW Kaiser and here's our promise: We won't harvest your gooey parts until it's your time and not a week or so earlier! Cross our hearts and hope you die!"

Poor Kaiser again.

If there's a planet-ending lawsuit in this case, the cut-rate medical provider is going to have to either raise rates or - well - you know.

Harvest more organs.

Ruh-oh...

Recipient of the 2006 Will Rogers Humanitarian Achievement Award, and, winner of both Best Humor Column and Best Serious Column from the National Newspaper Association last year, John Boston has earned 114 national, regional and state awards for journalism. His column appears Wednesdays-Saturdays and on Mondays on page A2. His Time Ranger history column runs Sunday in the Opinion Section of Your Mighty Signal. To reach him, call 259-1234, ext. 242. Boston's column represents his own views, and not necessarily those of The Signal.

Copyright: John Boston